Contingency Plans for December 15th

Or 14th. Or 13th. Or 12th. Or 11th. Somewhere in the back of our heads, we know it is coming—Judgement Day, the day we finally know whether or not the last four years of high school have amounted to anything. For a select few, the answer is yes, but for all rejectees and deferees to-be, the answer is a resounding no. Unfortunately, with all the California wildfires and industrial grade deforestation, we don’t have enough wood to build another Ark for the flood of tears that is to come. Here are some alternatives:

Visit your college and beg them to take you in

Like an abandoned infant on the steps of a church, who could possibly say no? Your college is guaranteed to take you in. How long they will keep you before turning you over to child protection services is different story, but use that small window of opportunity to sneak into the admissions office and send an acceptance letter to yourself. It’s risky and if you get caught you will get arrested, but don’t you dare let your dreams just be dreams.

Lay in bed crying and eating chocolate all day

Ever think to yourself Wow today is a day for a nice cry? Today is that day! You know what to do! Moan, weep, mourn. Sob your heart out on velvet pillow covers and silky bed sheets, but take care to hydrate (tears are salty). As for chocolate, beg your parents to buy you truckloads of Hershey’s kisses and gallons of hot cocoa. Let the warm wafts of hot chocolate wash over you and your feelings of incompetence.


Strongly recommended (not sponsored by Kleenex or Amazon). Only the finest for your sniffling nostrils and tender soul. As you fall into despair, let the thousands of soft tissues you have bought catch you.

Discard (burn)  all memorabilia related to said college

Just as with a bad break up, the best way to get over rejection is to forget and move on. What better way is there than to get rid of everything related to your rejection. Throw it all away and pretend it never happened and move on with your life. This includes, but is not limited to, a printout of your rejection letter, the phone you first viewed the letter on, the hundreds of dollars worth of college merch you bought for your supposed acceptance post, and your hopes and aspirations. Out of sight, out of mind.

Throw a pity party with fellow rejectees and current depressees

There must absolutely not be any cheerful or happy colors. Yellow is an absolute no. Dress code is all black hoodies and sweatpants. Balloons are also strictly prohibited, except saggy, deflated, sinking balloons. This will decrease the overall density of the room, so ideally your own spirits may rise instead.

Invent a time machine

Do what Stephen Hawking could never do: build a time machine. This will practically instantly win you some sort of Nobel Prize or fancy schmancy sciencey award and get you into Forbes’s “Twenty Under Twenty.” Then put these awards on your Common App and apply as normal to your regular decision schools. Once you get in, you’re going to make your early (or earlys) wish they accepted you. Alternatively, you can use the time machine to go back to the beginning of this year, rewrite your application, put “Future Nobel Prize Laureate” in your activities list, and wait for the acceptance letter.

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